My Release
by ABlueKindOfMusic
Summary: Oneshot songfic Lithium by Evanescence Its all too much for JD what will he do? AFTER CONSIDERATION ITS COMPLETE!


A/N – Heya guys, okay so today I was sitting in the library studying for my SAT's and then I searched some lyrics then this one-shot just came to me so please no flames…just read and review.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**_Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside. _****_  
_****_Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without... _****_  
_****_Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow. _****_  
_****_Oh, but God, I want to let it go._**

I stand staring blankly ahead. The sun is setting and is hanging limply in a stunning orange glow over the rooftops. The sight almost makes me happy, regret already filling my clouded mind. I can't let it own me, no I have a reason for being here I can't give up now…

**_Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone. _****_  
_****_Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show. _****_  
_****_Never wanted it to be so cold. _****_  
_****_Just didn't drink enough to say you love me._**

I can't remember the last time I was happy, properly happy anyway. It has been years since I stopped going out with Elliot but those hopes still haunt me. I still have my Chocolate bear but he is far to involved with Carla and Isabella now. I wonder what he would think if he saw me here. It makes me smile, I can almost picture him. His eyes popping out of his head in a comical fashion, His jaw dropping to the floor. Then there is Dr Cox everyone says he cares really but I don't really believe it anymore. I quickly snap out of it as the vision fades and I'm set once again where I was before…

**_I can't hold on to me, _****_  
_****_Wonder what's wrong with me. _**

**__**

I tried to keep myself secret all these weeks, months even. A smile here or there, a nod to say that I am listening when inside I am replaying shocking visions repeatedly in my mind. I have no idea when this all even started; I just woke up one day to utter despair and depression and couldn't get myself out of my downfall. Everyday I fell deeper and deeper into dark realms of pain and anguish. I guess I'm just a depressive freak; I chuckle slightly at finally admitting my true self…

**_Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside. _****_  
_****_Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without... _****_  
_****_Lithium; I want to stay in love with my sorrow._**

I have to have been here at least an hour now maybe a few more. Many times I have heard the familiar beep of the pager in the pocket of my dark blue scrubs; the wind carrying its noise far away from me, the sound barely even reaching my ears. I still know it's there though. I can imagine the pages that people are sending me. 'Where the hell are you Amanda' from Doctor Cox. 'I need you to check on a patient for me, I'm swamped' from Elliot and maybe 'I know what you did and you are going to pay' From the Janitor, he managed to get my number ages ago and I get those random messages every now and again, though most of the time I ignore them. I wonder if they even know I'm gone...

**_Don't want to let it lay me down this time. _****_  
_****_Drown my will to fly. _****_  
_****_Here in the darkness I know myself. _****_  
_****_Can't break free until I let it go. _****_  
_****_Let me go._**

**_  
_**  
They know now I'm certain, I have had numerous messages on my pager, the full volume hitting me as the wind finally sweeps away from me. I am cold, quite basically cold, the wind may have gone but it is still fall none the less. My arms wrap around my body in a tight bear hug, how sad am I? I replied to a message a few minutes ago. It was one from Elliot 'JD Where the hell are you we need you down here for rounds' it had read. 'Elliot I'm not going to rounds today and could you please tell the others to stop paging me.' I had replied to her even though I knew it would just cause more questions…

**_Darling, I forgive you after all. _****_  
_****_Anything is better than to be alone. _****_  
_****_And in the end I guess I had to fall. _****_  
_****_Always find my place among the ashes._**

I was right you know. As soon as I had sent it to her the questions began. 'What do you mean you aren't coming to rounds?' 'Dr. Cox is pissed JD he is literally on a rampage for you' 'where are you anyway, I haven't seen you in 4 hours'. The reality hit me then, 4 hours I had been gone 4 hours and no one had thought to check the roof. After I had accidentally told pretty much the whole hospital that the roof was my private sanctuary now I would have thought that would be the first place they would look.  
I really am Freezing now, cold past ages ago, probably an hour, now I am literally numb which, given the situation, is probably a good thing…

**_I can't hold on to me, _****_  
_****_Wonder what's wrong with me._**

Once again the regret is returning, but I can surpass it now as one foot lays to rest on the stone ledge. The other following in fast pursuit. I think they must have finally remembered my roof confession as I hear foot steps now approaching. I think it's now or never; either I wait until they're here or I do it without them seeing. Maybe they deserve to see, they pushed me to it, didn't they? Oh no I have waited to long they are here; gasping and shouting. Spanish words reach my ears as Carla appears. Shout of 'NO JD' and 'Just come down' fill the air around me but they can't stop me and I finally get the courage. Pitching forward I begin my descent. I guess it's true, falling _is_ fun, if I had a parachute I might be able to tell Turk about the experience. But I'm not that lucky. I hit the ground with a dull thud and see people crowding around me. People are screaming for doctors and I can see blue scrubs appear. Everyone is blurring and I can vaguely see Elliot, Turk, Carla and Dr Cox in the distance but I'm too far gone now they can't save me. 

**_Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside. _****_  
_****_Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without... _****_  
_****_Lithium ...stay in love with my sorrow. _****_  
_****_I'm gonna let it go. _****_  
_**

Everything goes black and I am finally allowed my Release. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

I hope you liked suicidal JD I sure did…please read and review for me :P


End file.
